I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
