Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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