after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I would ride that face into the sunset
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
