I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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