youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
