im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
...so i touched it.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
