i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
