Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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