Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
