there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Randomize
