i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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