Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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