Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
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