I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
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