I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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