so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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