New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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