It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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