This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
