I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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