I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I am available for nakedness
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
