She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
