Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
