I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
