My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Still dying that you shit outside
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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