Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
