i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
