I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
