why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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