I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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