She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
