It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
