My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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