I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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