That's when you crack a 10am beer
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
