sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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