having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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