Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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