seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
