someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
