Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Randomize
