I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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