Fine. I'll sleep in my office
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
