dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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