Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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