Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
