we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
