I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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