the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
