I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
