my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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