I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize