Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
