i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
