i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
