I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
