Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
