He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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