Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I'm too high and old for this...
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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